Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I was on the shopping network. corrections FoxNews. When did the WhiteHouse becomes QVC?

   Still waiting for Activision to come out with "Call of Duty" for Atari 2600

   Are the dangerous parts of Italy called the Spaghetto?

   I think Oprah Winfrey should marry Deepak Chopra and take his last name.

   I wonder how long buffoons like Spicer and Kellyanne would last on the Apprentice?

   "I decided to go for a walk because I want to stay healthy. I'm also bringing along a box of M&M's because. . . . well, lets be honest here."

   A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......

   Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

   Tonight I changed my wife's contacts in her phone. She should be getting texts tomorrow from Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger and have no idea who they are, I doubt she'll be upset......

   IKEA is just adult LEGO sets

   Boss: Are you high? Me: No, I dont do drugs, it must be the dayquil . Boss: Dayquil doesn't do that . Me: Must be the moonshine then.

   "No more Mr. Nice Guy" ~ Mr. Nice Guy's eulogy

   I may be getting older, but I remember back in my day, if you took pics of yourself to show all your mates, you were a faggot.

   In 1963, Democrat George Wallace blocked the door to a school to prevent two Black Republicans from entering. I guess Republican is the new b lack ... Just ask Devos

   A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you're single: priceless!

   My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face ..... I love Sharpie markers.

   I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Absolutely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

   Winter seems more like a booty call than a three-month relationship.

   I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.

   "I don't feel good." -James Brown's last words