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No more edibles for me !! I just Put My ice cream In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number. 
My newly wed neighbor man asked me about marriage.... I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I bet a lot of optometrists retire next year, you know... 2020.
Can relate to pirates, because I too am after the booty.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She's a keeper!
What do Chick-Fil-A and Antonio Brown have in common? Neither one works on Sunday.
i don’t like the person I become when i’m tracking a ups package
The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.
*Gets bit by spider* *I don't get powers* *Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.
'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
A Wednesday without rain is a Dry Hump Day.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you
My wife finally broke our dog begging at the table. She let him taste her cooking.
As a high school student, I think I was bitten by a radioactive sloth
My shrink keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects. But what does he know? He's a lamp.
I once was brave enough to shave my privates with a straight razor. But now I don't have the balls to do it again.
My ex told me to get some of those tablets that should help me get an erection.........should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills 