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You know you're getting old when every time you are near a bathroom you think, "I might as well pee while I'm here" 
HA ... The Government says that 93 Million people are out of work but yet say that Unemployment is only at 5% ..... The total population of the US is 325 Million so I guess they're using Common Core Math to arrive at that result.
Instead of paying for a haunted house this year I'm just making the kids clean out the refrigerator.
OK folks ... I have been working to unify relativity and quantum mechanics into a single unified theory of life the universe and everything........ So far I have discovered that beer is good.
I've always wanted to lay naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. Unfortunately, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.
"Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special, we pretty much just tell them straight up that they are going to die."
We were so poor that all we had for dinner was “helper”.
I am already ashamed of some of the things I will be doing over the festive holiday.
If you touch your phone in the right places a hot pizza will arrive at your door!
My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt
Sometimes there's a very thin line between "I should share this on Facebook with all my friends" and "I might want to seek private professional help for this"
Apparently bumblebees don't want you to pet them.
I'm sorry I cited the five second rule when I dropped your baby
Remix to conviction.. hot and ready for prison..R. Kelly
Every time I see one those signs handing on a telephone pole saying "Work From Home! Make Great Money! It's Easy! Call 1800 yada yada yada I can't help but think, if it's so easy why's someone out there working so hard hanging signs?
I've watched Shrek every night this week and I still cannot find any clues as to how Donkey impregnated the dragon.
I wish life was like a hockey game. I'd gladly spend five minutes in the penalty box for beating the snot out of someone who pissed me off.
If my dog has taught me anything, it's avoid people at all cost and take as many naps as possible
I discovered that growing up in the '60's was more fun than being in my 60's... 