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Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor. 
The 1960's were when hallucinogenic drugs were really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun.
California is a nice place to live - if you happen to be an Orange.
I'm surprised there isn't a "ABC's Rockin' Chilean Miners Rescue Special" hosted by Ryan Seacrest.
yo' momma's so poor, the rainbows in her neighborhood are black and white
The World Much Easier when APPLE and BLACKBERRY were still a FRUIT..:D
Saw a picture of me at the costume store. Unfortunately its called the lonely, horny and drunk costume
Dear God, it's me again. Can you bring the toolbox? My life needs fixing.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on..
I think Fb is stupid. Last time I tried changing my password to penis and Fb said it 'wasn't long enough'. How the hell do they know?
You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.
How awesome would it would have been if David Blaine had somehow been the first one brought up out of the mine.
and THAT is how the firecracker got in my pants doctor
Sean Connery came round my house to put some shelves up. They weren't level, so all my ornaments fell off. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm ashamed of my shelf"
I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them
guys can go 5 years without seeing eachother and reunite with a handshake and small talk...girls can't go 5 minutes without seeing eachother and reuinite with screaming, jumping around, and hugs...
looking for a job! "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job..."
Girls just want to have funds!
No coffee no workee.
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