Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Carrie Fisher had information to get Hillary arrested. But just in case Hillary's people got to her, she passed along the info to her mom.

   Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.

   Houston, we have a problem. Never mind. It's nothing. You know what the problem is. Are you listening me me? Fine. -First woman on the Moon.

   It is amazing how many people have bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   If you got a big screen TV for Christmas be sure to put the empty box with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed and not yours.

   Finally throwing away my Thanksgiving leftovers. I don't even remember making turkey yogurt...

   I lost money and friends this year but I just want my money back

   I really hope these new sanctions on Russia doesn't affect Vidka prices

   My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.

   I love you my friends ... and that's not just the beer talking ... its from the bottom of my bottle of wine too.

   Dear 2016, for the love of all that's holy... Please take Rosie O'Donnell too..

   when couples get married they should be required to each give up 1 sock & put them together to make a pair of socks....later on if they divorce they get their sock back. "Master has given me a sock. I am free"

   I downloaded the Rhonda Rousey fight tonight. It was only 5 megs. Coulda put that on a floppy.

   My New Years resolution is simple…. Remember to write 2017 instead of 2016

   My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it.

   I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.

   I hope you all have a prosperous New Year … I may have to borrow money.

   For my New Year’s Resolution, I have decided to only smoke after sex. If 2016 is anything to go by, I’ve quit.

   My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

   I was telling my wife how my New Years resolution is to try and be a happier person. “That’s lovely” she said, giving me a hug. “I’m glad you think so” I replied. “Your bag’s by the front door”.