Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life.

   I'm not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.

   OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?

   Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Bööber.

   In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.

   When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don't understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.

   I've had only had one glass of wine. . . Glass, bottle. . . whatever. . . A bottle is glass, right ??

   I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?

   like who in their right mind would waste good money on life insurance when you can tell your sob story on Go Fund Me and stupid people to give you money?

   Dear Santa, yea I was naughty this year ..and it was worth it, you fat, judgmental b*stard!

   I heard overhead on the PA system at Walmart: "Customer service needed in sporting goods, we have a customer by the balls".

   2016: Well 2017, it's almost your turn. You cannot possibly do as bad a job as I did. 2017: Hold my beer.

   Yes I'm a people person. Or as the authorities like to call me, human trafficker.

   Antarctica called. It wants it's weather back.

   The week of the year when people buy gifts for people they don't wanna see, for a night they don't wanna go to, with money they don't have.

   It's funny how Democrats are blaming the Russians and all they did was expose the truth

   I don't care what you say. Arbor Day and Christmas are cousins.

   I miss the old time movie stars. You know, the ones that wore clothes and had talent?

   The first rule of Christmas Fight Club is don't buy her anything half a size bigger than she is because clearly you're implying something..

   Sitting in a busy parkink lot tooting my horn when I see someone pressing their remote looking for their car.