Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Nothing ruins a Friday quicker than having to work the weekend. too.

   Just for fun I am going to order a Santa Sleigh on Amazon on Christmas Eve and have it delivered by their drone.

   ¡¡¡¡ǝʞɐʇsıɯ ʎq pɹɐoqʎǝʞ uɐılɐɹʇsnɐ ɐ ʇɥƃnoq ı dlǝɥ

   Felt good to get back to work after the long holiday and get back to my regular pooping schedule.

   I don't go on Twitter a lot, does 'tweets' mean "political p!ssing and moaning from all sides", and what happened to the - Funny ??

   What is the biggest city in America ? Obesity.

   Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?

   Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

   I called a crematory to make an appointment, they told me they don't do live customers...

   I can't stand all these 'Stand with Standing Rock' Facebook post anymore

   I've decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."

   I'm the reason Waldo is hiding

   Got up early and had 3 eggs bacon fried potatoes coffee, now i'm ready to go back to bed ....

   You just don’t see people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

   wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] me: I'm having an affair

   Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.

   Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.

   I'm convinced. New York has the largest demographic of nit-wits of any city on the planet.

   Forbes says Taylor Swift was the highest earning musician this year taking home $170 million. Every time she breaks up with a boyfriend, she writes a hit song about it. If this doesn't show what men can do for you ladies, I don't know what does.

   Later this year the "Thank you tour" will be making its way through Europe