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Don't let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make. 
Sure, daylight can be saved tomorrow, but only if it accepts Jesus as its one true savior.
Extra hour of sleep this weekend. I mean, unless you're a parent. Then it's just like, more morning.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they'll fill your antidepressants faster.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
Make sure to use the extra hour this weekend not changing anyone's mind about the election on Facebook.
Glad the election is ending so people will stop hating me based on my political views and just go back to hating me based on my personality.
Why did they call themselves The Breakfast Club? They only ate lunch together.
Make baseball more interesting: Divide the nation with hateful rhetoric.
Don't just steal your kids' Halloween candy. Eat it in front of them. Clean up after them. Support them until age 26. Show them who's boss.
Hit the hay. Kick some corn. Slap a tomato. Establish dominance. You own this whole farm now.
The last time the Cubs won a World Series, the Republican Party favored voting rights for African-Americans.
Feeling pretty good about myself -- just used the self-checkout line and only needed to call the attendant twice.
Goatees are just fanny-packs for faces.
No one cares about the pictures of your Cards Against Humanity round.
It's not acceptable to call 911 when someone eats the last slice of pizza. I know that now.
My son kept picking Tootsie Rolls instead of Snickers this Halloween like some sort of candy moron.
Will no longer appear as "Husband on Sailboat" in a Viagra commercial due to a contract dispute. I'd appreciate privacy during this time.
FACT: the 2016 election didn't make anyone any uglier than they were already, it just made their pre-existing ugliness easier to see
I just changed my voicemail greeting to “Seriously?”
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