Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm just here to finish my community service hours.

   I can't be trusted with your alphabet magnets.

   The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.

   The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

   I only enjoy making friends in non election years.

   Made a phone call to a young start up company. During the recording of how to reach certain parties, it asked me to follow the extension by pressing the "hashtag" button. I don't think this company will last.

   You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It's the celery of pets.

   Apparently grabbing your girlfriends boob, flattening it with your hands and yelling Surprise Mammogram isn't as fun for women than it is for men .

   I want to set the record straight.....I thought the cop was a prostitute!!!!...lol

   Repaired a vacuum cleaner today. It was easy, I just stuck one of Hillary bumper stickers on it.. Now it sucks just fine. . .

   I'm SO looking forward to Disney's new Brazilian Wax theme park. Yes, I'm talking about EPTWAT.

   [job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish... Would you care to expand on that?

   Listen,,, If self-deprecation was a competitive sport,,, I probably wouldn't even get a medal.

   What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?

   My boyfriend and I broke up, but at least we'll still be cousins.

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

   (Giving TED talk) Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!... *he does and a mousetrap snaps on his hand*... Me: trust no one *audience claps*

   I personally prefer Right Twix because I don't agree with Left Twix's stance on crumb control.

   Playboy to replace nudes with photos of Hugh Hefner's nurse feeding him soup.