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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
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11-04-2016 05:11
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You're not a serious fashionista until you break a toe in new sexy high heels for the sake of your craft.
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11-04-2016 05:12
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My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
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11-04-2016 05:13
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My stomach hurts. Maybe this giant bag of Skittles will help...
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11-04-2016 05:14
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ER nurses lose their patience with "I thought it would be funny" after they've heard it four times from one person.
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11-04-2016 05:15
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Finally tossed the old rotary phone. So now I won’t have anything to use for a mafia beat down in 1973.
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11-04-2016 05:16
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Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket.
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11-04-2016 05:17
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70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
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11-04-2016 05:19
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Before you ask me for life advice, you should know that I make big decisions by shaking a Magic 8 Ball and cranking up Van Halen's "Jump".
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11-04-2016 05:19
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If the warehouse store is surrounded by barbed wire the prices are usually excellent.
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11-04-2016 05:21
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Prefers a scientific approach to parenting that allows natural selection to run its course if the kids fail to solve the local Escape Room.
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11-04-2016 05:22
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Wish someone would have told me that the Heimlich Maneuver is for choking victims, not sexual partners.
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11-04-2016 05:23
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People always slam elevator music and that's very hurtful to those of us who have spent years learning to play the elevator.
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11-04-2016 05:24
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If you can't identify the 80s movie by the opening song's electric keyboard, we probably can't be friends.
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11-04-2016 05:24
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The young receptionist asked me who Van Halen is, so now I need to throw her down a flight of stairs.
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11-04-2016 05:25
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Even my imaginary guitar gently weeps at the sight of the last drop of wine.
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11-04-2016 05:26
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Cheer Up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.
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11-04-2016 05:26 by
thejoke.cafe
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Can't wait to see what all the funny stuff will be come next week at this time, it has to gottten better.
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11-04-2016 07:10
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Someone asked me what is there to look forward to in life after becoming a grandfather. I said, "Smelling like mothballs."
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11-04-2016 17:08 by
Fazzella
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I just want to live in a world where you don't have to update Adobe flash every day
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11-04-2016 17:48 by
snotty
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