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I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. 
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”
Alex, I'll take 'same sh*t, different day' for $800.00, please.
Tips on How to fall down the stairs.....Step 1, then Step 2... Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Finally the Floor
I am not narcissistic. I just wonder how all of this pertains to me....
My ex called to say that she hates me and wished I was dead, also to ask if I needed anything from the liquor store.
The most shocking thing about Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) violating his parole by testing positive for oxycodone is that he can afford oxycodone.
come from a long line of people who ruin things.
I sensed she was starting to pull away when she changed the locks to the house.
Administrative Professionals Day is the best way to find out who doesn't know they're an administrative professional.
Complicate your life by telling people how you really feel.
Its pretty cool how when you ask yoursefl, "What's the worst that can happen?" Life stops what its doing as is like, "Here, let me show you"
Walmart Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?... Me: Well, I couldn't find-..... Cashier: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don't actually care.
If you do good deeds and post them on facebook, they're not good deeds anymore, they're self promotion .
“i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling mom”
You ever look at someone and think, "they probably have cocaine in their pocket"?
For a detective, a surprise party is the ultimate insult.
My favorite form of gratification is instant.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
Children's berry flavored delsym on the rocks... For when you're sick but still want a drink to sip on. 