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Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?
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04-01-2017 06:33
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I have no problem with the Kardashians. I have a problem with the people who care about them.
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05-29-2018 14:22
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FACT : If someone is playing Xmas music in October, you're legally allowed to kill them and use their corpse as a Halloween decoration.
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10-03-2018 02:44 by
Stevielea
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I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
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04-16-2018 14:35
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Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.
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04-18-2018 15:09
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I have learned to protect myself against identity theft by keeping a low credit score and no money.
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04-26-2018 08:10 by
markf
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When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
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05-02-2018 01:40
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I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering WTF it was protecting its eyes from
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05-02-2018 11:35
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A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
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05-09-2018 03:52 by
raman
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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
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05-11-2018 07:23
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A woman arrested for prostitution. Judge: How do you plead? Woman: Not guilty. I'm a sales woman. Judge: What do you sell ? Woman: Condoms with a free demontration.
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05-16-2018 18:23 by
Jake
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I thought about having sex today and then I remembered that I’m married.
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05-27-2018 23:16
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I love your enthusiasm, so I’m going to loosen your restraints.
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06-06-2018 01:14
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You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I'm in a liquor store.
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06-23-2018 05:42
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I don't take nude selfies Vodka: Oooh yes, you do.
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06-23-2018 12:49
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I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
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06-27-2018 21:57 by
Jake
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Got gas today for a $1.39....... unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
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07-08-2018 03:59 by
Jake
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If it's alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
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07-12-2018 15:46 by
Jake
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1
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Not to brag, but in some circles I am known as “That chick who always knocks stuff over.”
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07-14-2018 12:46
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Rest areas are weird.... The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.
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07-18-2018 02:19 by
BobbyT
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