Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.

   Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘Yes. What kind of font is this?’

   The most used electrical appliance in the wife’s kitchen is the smoke alarm.

   For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked

   Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

   Found out my father is voting for Hillary, which is strange since he died in 2004

   The somke detector is not a timer...

   Fast Food was never intended to sustain a person indefinitely ..... Neither were Fast Food Jobs ....

   The mainstream media: Covers up vast conspiracies?... Rigs national elections?... Has mind control powers?... Can't convince people to pay $29.99 for cable

   Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"... Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"... Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy.

   [Juice Bar]...... (Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass.... (Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back "sir"..... *hyenas laugh*

   Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.

   If you are a true Democrat, you must first ignore ALL of Hillary Clinton's lies, Corruption and Scandals ... THEN ... Go vote for her because of your perception of .... What the "Good" of the country is.

   I used to roll out of bed asleep a lot until I found Viagra

   I wonder if Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

   Apparently something has seriously gone wrong with my financial goals ... Evidently I am now on some kind of get rich slow scheme.

   I have six locks installed on my door all in a row so that when I go out, I lock every other one. That way I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

   Does anybody out there know the co-ordinates of all of the Nudist Colonies on earth? Or at least a few?

   Hillary doesn't suck, it's all those people who support her that suck!