Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   what are we gonna post after the election.. no material.

   How does Hillary get soooo much JUNK in her TRUNK you ask?? She steals it duh.

   I went to Smith's Deli and asked for a baked chicken thigh. I got a breast instead. I hope the kid working the deli isn't a med student.

   Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.

   I have paid Tim Kaine to jack off my dog for entertainment purposes as recent as March of 2016

   Im sooo embarrased.. One day at a DEM convention, I yawned and Bill stuck his cokc in my mouth.

   Tim Kaine rubbed my leg under the bathroom stall at the airport.

   And soon it will be Thanksgiving. The only time that its acceptable to eat stuff out of a birds ass.

   Grandma was a loyal Republican until she died. Ever since then she has voted Democrat.

   Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries.

   Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

   My homemade cookies taste so much better when I remember to take the bakery price tag off.

   When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole "vampire/not a vampire" question out of the way.

   It took four years for Lil' Susie to be Runaround Sue, four more to be Lazy Susan, never was Susie HomeMaker, and Johnny Cash made her a boy.

   Leftover spaghetti is why someone invented Tupperware. No one looks cool trying to put spaghetti in a ziplock bag.

   All I know about love I've learned from my dogs, which is when someone scratches your back you should roll over and show them your nipples.

   Uber driver explaining he's never been able to hold a regular job as he merges on to the freeway at 80 mph while playing the dashboard drums.

   Just saw a sign in the bathroom that said "Wash Hands Before Returning to Work"....luckily I don't go back to work until next week!

   If you’re in the woods this weekend and see a large man wearing a hockey mask don’t assume he’s a Wayne Gretzky fan.

   In an attempt to appear younger, I've begun referring to my kids as my siblings.