Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Visiting my parents today. So, ask me anything about local news.

   Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn't for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.

   If there is a god out there, it is his duty and responsibility to prove his existence to me. It's not a fellow human being's job.

   A couple kisses and gropes in public and nobody bats an eye but let a mother breastfeed in public and all hell breaks loose. How did we get to this as a society?

   I miss the '70s. The music. The clothes. The fact that I wasn't born yet.

   Watching documentaries on Netflix has actually taught me that there's no time to chill. Crazy stuff is going on out there.

   Stop blaming Millennials. This election has clearly proven that people of all generations are awful.

   One really positive thing about 2016 is that it has to end.

   Assume that anyone who is undecided at this point is trying to choose between Hillary and suicide.

   If a few years ago I'd have told a therapist I was having dreams that this election was happening I would've gotten some really good drugs.

   Just decided to let my hair grow out. Partially out of curiosity but mostly because cutting it isn't worth the risk of the barber making small talk.

   I removed a "ha" from a "hahaha" in a text so I wouldn't send the wrong message about my enthusiasm.

   Most murder victims are killed by someone they know. So stay safe by living a life of heartbreaking solitude, devoid of human contact.

   Thanks 5 hour energy drink, but I have to work for 8 hours-not 5. I'll just stick with cocaine.

   Next generation Monopoly pieces: -Croc. -Fedora. -Prius. -iPhone. -Starbucks cup. -A thimble because we've made very little progress in that area.

   Me asking someone out on a date is a lot like them wanting a Coke and I ask "Is Pepsi okay?"

   If somebody doesn't text me back within 5 minutes I assume they don't love me or that they've died from loving me too much.

   No f***ing way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.

   You caught me at a bad time. Between birth and death.

   Republicans Hate dead people ... They want to deny them their right to vote.