Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I like the way your medication thinks.

   After it was announced that 29 people were Injured in the NY Bombing, Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson was Thankful that ‘Nobody Got Hurt’

   Gary Glitter failed his driving test...he did too many minors.

   Hillary isn't the first woman to say I'm deplorable, and probably won't be the last

   Today concerns where raised when a glory hole was found in a public toilet. Immediately the Police were called and they are now looking into it.

   89% of all marriages is spent spooning your wife on the off chance she'll say "okay".

   Did you know, if you hold an empty bottle of Yellow Tail Chardonnay to your ear you can hear a soccer mom complaining that she didn't get her ranch dressing.

   Whoever said you don't know what you have until it's gone was definitely talking about toilet paper.

   "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ONNNN?!?!" -Every horse being ridden during a civil war reenactment

   Wow....iPhone 7 is making odd hissing sounds. Tech experts say sounds are caused by electromagnetic effects, while I think it's just Siri farting.

   If you said “all of my music is in the cloud” in the 1960s, it was due to mushrooms, not Apple.

   Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Boober.

   I'm in the checkout isle and the guy behind me is smirking. What I'm buying: Hamster food, prunes, Vaseline and toilet paper. So I mouth 11pm?

   You never see Corey Feldman and Skrillex at the same place at the same time.

   BREAKING: Jimmy Hoffa found buried with Corey Feldman's career. Location: Unknown.

   If you think the electoral college is the university where the election graduated from, you probably shouldn't vote.

   To me everyday is Talk Like A Pirate Day and that's why I'm in between jobs right now.

   My First Question In Hell: What do you mean there's no ketchup and no ice water?

   Coolio arrested at LAX after a loaded gun was found in a carry-on bag. But what else do you bring on holiday to a gangsta's paradise?

   The biggest lie I tell myself is 'No need to write that down. I'll remember it.'