Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My favorite thing about restroom graffiti is knowing the gangbanger had a sparkly marker in his pocket.

   When someone flirts with you don't let it stop there. Flirt back, remove your shirt, put them in a headlock if you have to.

   It's difficult to not be a narcissist when your birthmark is the symbol of a Dragon warrior and your hair flows in the wind indoors.

   Sometimes I think I'm ready to teach meditation but other times someone honks at me and I scream death threats.

   Pharmacies are like arcades for the elderly.

   No one looks cool waiting for a guy to make them a balloon animal.

   What's the protocol for when you're really angry but your favourite song comes on the radio?

   Someone just said hi to me at the gas pump what the heck is their problem....

   Would do anything for happiness but not like diet and exercise or staying off social media and seeking help from a professional.

   No Marijuana: Day 7 -More stamina. -Increased libido. -Decrease in mood swings. -Improved mental clarity. -I haven't slept. -3 people are dead.

   2016 is awesome!!! Just checked an app to see if a package was delivered to my door yet. I'm on the couch, the door is 5 feet away.

   Walmart is selling six hot dogs for a dollar if anyone wants to die.

   Wine is for parents that don't have a drug dealer.

   Weed is for people who cant afford cocaine.

   English is confusing because "booty call" and "butt dial" mean very different things.

   .... The Feminist movement maintains that "All Men are Pigs" and that "Women are Equal to Men"

   Farting in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

   Before you get serious with a girl, spend some time around her and her mom. You need to observe the future crazy before moving too fast.

   Thank you to the Emmy Awards for reminding me why I don't watch television.

   Everytime this post gets liked a Jihadist gets killed.