Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just hope that one day I'll have an infectious disease named after me.

   Guess what my doctor said I'm physically fit to become the next president of the United States!

   Farmer plows the field. Farmer doesn't even stay for breakfast, stops returning the field's calls.

   Don’t be intimidated by other people’s opinions. Only mediocrity is sure of itself, so take risks and do what you really want to do

   Health becomes the main issue of the presidential election in a country that does not offer it to its citizens. This is...sick.

   Which one of the Ten Commandments says: Thou Shalt Not Eat Meat On Friday?

   Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you "fall asleep right now".

   fml...I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there...

   My grandfather just told me hisjoints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

   So, if a $3.50 cheeseburger has 350 calories, 2 of them for $5 only has 500 calories, right?

   I have a painful bulging vein on my thigh. It's an overactive thigh-roid.

   Apparently I am turned on when me boss wears a short skirt. I found that out the hard way.

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster

   In Gary Johnson's defense, its not easy keeping up with current events when you're stoned all the time.

   All I'm saying is a nacho bar would go a long ways towards earning that bigger tip, Uber drivers.

   Bartender on the phone. "Oh, ,hey.." Sees a priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk in " dude, let me call you back. This is going to be amazing"

   Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race, but then I remember there are grown ups who like Pokémon Go.

   As it says in Corinthinans 2: "The hateful bigot shall be forgiven if after 7 years he blames someone else while promoting his hotel."#amen

   I don't really care to people's opinions when I can hit their IQ on a dart board.

   Clinton 46% but her body double is polling at 62%....