Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I've reached the level of unfitness where I have to stretch before playing video games.

   Nothing tests the love for your children like being awoken at 2 AM with a Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat kick to the sternum.

   When my dog twitches his front paws in his sleep, I like to think he's dreaming of playing the bongos.

   I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.

   Dear friend, Regrets I can't go to your wedding. Shagging a Naval Officer. It will last longer than your marriage. Godspeed.

   I can't wait for October, when sock selfies supplant feet selfies.

   Are You: A) A complete partier. B) A vampire. C) A regular insomniac, or D) Some combination of the above?

   Shout out to my neighbors for the 2 AM gun shots; I hope you enjoyed my 7 AM weed whacking.

   My white Camaro is fully loaded with a Whitesnake car alarm and denim interior.

   The cool thing about democracy is that some people believe wrestling is real and they get to vote in the same elections as you do.

   Hillary didn't faint, her knees didn't buckle... She slipped on all of her bull$hit....

   Rapunzel! Rapunzel!,, Let down your CVS receipt!........ *A modern fairy tale

   I just checked my account balance at the ATM, it printed me out a coupon for ramen noodles.

   The biggest problem with getting my picture taken is anytime someone says "Cheese!" My immediate response is "Where!!"

   The only person excited to find out about Hillary's Body Double is Bill Clinton.

   Debate Format Change: The first Presidential debate will just be a comprehensive physical exam followed a colonoscopy.

   Probably the one thing I enjoy about dating homeless women so much is they really don't seem to care where I drop em off at.

   Dance like no one is secretly going to put that mess on Periscope.

   Hillary Clinton isn't really sick, lizard people don't get sick....

   If out of all the things to protest in the world right now, you chose Ryan Lochte, I hope you get swimmer's ear.