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Visited a horse farm for the first time in my life yesterday and asked if the place the horses stay is called a neigh-borhood. I need to get out more. 
The hardest part of hearing about my wife's work day is trying to recall the lyrics to the Growing Pains theme song.
Slept like a baby last night. Abandoned, outside of a church in the rain.
Love the samples at Costco, however I think of them more as tapas you have to fight strangers to the death over.
Gary Johnson is the Discover Card of presidential candidates. You'll use him in a pinch, but you're kind of embarrassed about it.
The worst thing about staying in a hotel during your vacation is learning the order of the tv channels.
Rick Astley called, he changed his mind, he's giving you up.
North Korean Twitter must be pretty lame...
I left a restaurant last night because it was too loud... Am I in AARP now?
Above and beyond? I mostly go below and around.
The winds of change can blow me.
"It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
hillary immitating the twin towers
Maybe the pipelines are not the most perfect way to turn our country green, but I'm certainly not going to be able to afford those solar panels if I'm paying $4.95 a gallon.
Hillary Clinton was Diagnosed on Friday with Highly Contagious Bacterial Pneumonia and has been out in public all weekend! Is there something about the words "Highly Contagious" that she and her "Doctors" don't understand? Well that's ObamaCare For ya!
Listen to the Native Americans. "You can't drink oil"
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is my favorite movie that sounds like a bad Mexican orgy.
Sometimes to make myself feel better I wrap up my hopes and dreams with bacon.
The worst thing about quitting drinking is that I no longer have anything to blame my inappropriate behavior on now.
What U-Haul really means is: U-Cheap. U-Won’t Pay for Movers. U-Bribed Your Friends with Pizza to Help.
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