Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

   If you ever see a woman with her arm stuck in a Pringles can in Walmart, I'd appreciate it if you don't make eye contact with me, thanks.

   Watching Steel Magnolias. I wish Julia Roberts could have died more.

   Just watched a dog sucking on a pacifier as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star played and dont know how to feel.

   I find it interesting that over the past few hears Hackers have broken the biggest stories ..... And our Journalists who's job it is to report the news has tried frantically to cover them up ....

   Yes,,, 4 out of 5 dentists recommend you brush your teeth... But the 5th one gets the most business.es,,,

   Female gladiators are known as gladiolas.... Trust me, I'm a gladiatorian.

   My Indian name is 'Dances with Panda Express'.

   If Santa Claus had a FB account,,,, none of us would get presents.

   Ironically, Seattle's Marco Polo Motel does not have a pool.

   Now that the Olympics are over, I can get back to comparing myself to the athletes on The World Series Of Poker.

   The "journalists" who tell you to distrust all the polls are 100% fine with you being blindsided on election day.

   "Second coat my @$$! -Michelangelo, upon completing the Sistine Chapel job.

   Oh, you’re a ceiling fan?... Name three ceilings then... Yeah,,, I didn't think so

   [God creating bees].. And,,, Put a needle on it's butt... ANGEL: “Come on God, wha—?“... GOD: Oh, and make it's puke delicious... ANGEL:“Can we just call it quits for the day?”... GOD: NO, and I want you to paint stripes on it..

   *Bites into a grilled cheese sandwich*... *cuts tongue*... Wtf,, this IS sharp cheddar

   I remember back in the 80s,,, BEFORE the Internet really existed,, that MTV used to randomly Rick Roll everyone.

   I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 10:00 AM on a Saturday.

   Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

   Well it took forever and I almost got beat up but I paid for my Taco Bell fully with all the quarters I found behind the cashier's ear.