Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My supervillain origin story is just someone knocking over my plate of super nachos.

   'Pokemon Go brought me here' walks into church....finds Jesus instead......

   What will the next Democrat prez do to end poverty? Same all the rest did; nothing...

   Love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.

   You can't just light a pumpkin spice candle in August you psycho.

   Just another Sunday morning that my family won't join me singing "Lord I was Born a Scramblin' Man" while I make their eggs.

   Sometimes I can't figure out if it's Botox or a bee sting.

   Only 4 more months until Ryan Lochte comes down the chimney and brings us all presents.

   Never mix anxiety medication with alcohol unless you're absolutely certain you want it to work better.

   Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "geek magic."

   If you're going to fight with your spouse at the grocery store, I'm going to put on a rally cap and start cheering for whoever is losing.

   Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I'm not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

   Drugs are bad but if there were ever a reason for cocaine, it would be having kids.

   On a scale of 1 to functional alcoholic, where does pre-gaming before my daughter's kindergarten open house fall?

   Kids suck at eating ice cream cones.

   At least Ryan Lochte didn't say he invented the airplane.

   Welcome to parenting. Hope you like ketchup.

   An Olympian biting their gold medal only it's me biting the wine cork I just pulled out with my teeth.

   The year is 2054. My casket's being lowered into the landfill. My grandson Chipotle starts to play Taps on his iBugle.

   Well, if you don't shop at Walmart, where do you buy your hotdog flavored potato chips?