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I don't blame the US Olympic swimmers. Every time I vandalize a gas station bathroom, I always use the "I was robbed by a Brazilian" excuse. 
Uber has announced that their first self-driving cars will hit the streets within weeks. Nice of them to give us a running start.
Female mannequins create unrealistic portrayals of women....mostly because the mannequins don't talk.
SPORTS FACT: The Olympics takes place every four years because it lasts four years.
Ironically, this is probably the first time Melania has seen him nude.
The only positive to attending a school recital is being able to fall asleep knowing your partner can't yell at you....
Ryan Lochte now claims Colin Powell suggested he lie about being robbed at gunpoint.
Running late today cuz there was a rare Pokemon 17 miles south of where I needed to be.
Spilled syrup on my Polo this morning. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers today.
Probably the coolest thing about this new Steven Seagal blow up doll is the ego inside inflates itself.
It’s not that I enjoy hot, steamy showers. I just want the mirrors fogged up so I can’t see my naked body.
“Lunch is on me!” -Guy who just threw up on himself
If my house could talk it would assume I own stock in Ramen Noodles.
New Neighborhood Game: Passively aggressively cut your lawn two inches shorter than your neighbors until you reach dirt.
If the cops show up, I've been here since noon and this is just ketchup on my shirt. Cool?
Just accidentally kicked myself in the balls trying to get comfortable on the couch in case you're looking for a life coach.
Found a pin that said "WWJD?" in my hotel room. I'm having a dilemma because I'm pretty sure cocaine and strippers isn't the answer.
I've been calling him Drape this whole time. Now I hear the k. Drake. Got it. Not Drape.
Eating candy wafers prepare children for eating Tums when they get older.
A woman drove me to drinking.. I wish she'd had left me her number, now I need a ride home.
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