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f I ever invented time travel, I'd probably just keep going back to that time I got 7 chicken nuggets instead of 6. 
10 Ways to Put Me in a Better Mood... 1: Get... 2: Your... 3: Slow-ass... 4: Car... 5: Out... 6: Of... 7: The... 8: Frigging... 9: Left... 10: Lane
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Never rob a bank with a vegan... They will tell everyone.
Weekend plans: Driving around downtown throwing Big Macs at girls with a thigh gap...... *bonus points for getting it into the thigh gap.
9 year old: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married..... Me: That's every culture son.
Nothing more disappointing than pizza crust so crunchy you split your tooth....
What bugs me most about young kids is their disrespect for pasta. Those necklaces or that artwork might've been delicious. We'll never know.
Just ironed a crease in these basketball shorts so I can wear them for Casual Friday.
Nothing knocks the ego down a notch like buying beer and seeing the words "age visually verified" on the receipt.
Family vacations are 80% just yanking your kids around and saying, "Let's get your picture by this thing."
Nothing like needing a toothpick to remind you that you are past your prime.
One time I listened to my kid tell an entire story without looking at my phone.
My 5 year old is trying to sell my own M&M's back to me. This guy's going places.
Honestly tho.... 63% of my day is spent inconspicuously making sure I'm not wearing any articles of clothing inside out or backwards.
Go to bed. Go directly to bed. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
It's ironic how the sheer number of "customer loyalty" cards in my wallet and glovebox show I'm actually the most promiscuous customer ever.
Which shoes go better with this top and also hide the fact that my kids ate cereal for dinner last night?
Jesus would have been a great musical act on a cruise ship because Jesus rocks on water.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who has to pause her movie to help you find the Cheetos....
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