Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you ever feel useless just know that someone out there is a lifeguard at an Olympic swimming event

   DELTA = Don't Ever Leave The Airport

   A snake can shed its skin, but it will always be a snake. Remember that before allowing people back into your life.

   The French gymnast who broke his leg during the Olympics is in good hands, Rio's hospitals have the best leeches and voodoo spells.

   In 1900 the Olympics was opened to women after someone pointed out what they'd be wearing when playing beach vollyball.

   Evan McMullin, Gary Johnson and Jill Stein walk into a bar. No one recognizes them or offers to buy drinks.

   Hell won't take me because I stopped paying my membership dues in 1998.

   Show me on the doll where Mommy got botox.

   The Rio 2016 Olympics maintain the Greek tradition of spending way too much money and only working a week every four years.

   The best part about the Olympics is pretending I know what half these sports are.

   Rio 2016 Olympic officials change the name of "Zika" to "Zikachu" and now everyone wants to catch it.

   Had a nice long talk with my niece about drugs....which ones are the best, who in town sells it, stuff like that.

   In the GPS, I typed "comedy career" as my destination and it took me to the nearest CoinStar.

   They need to bring back beatings in schools because I know a few people who need to go back and learn a lesson the hard way.

   I'm a terrible human because I really can't stand to hear anyone hiccuping, coughing, sniffing or breathing....

   Video killed the radio star, and anime killed the Pornhub star, because circle of life.

   My message in a bottle would simply say 'please fill with vodka' and include a return address.

   Never trust people who try and trick you into eating healthy.

   Watching swimming isn't really that exciting and you know it.

   If you try something new and you aren't immediately awesome at it, say it's stupid and never try it again.