Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I would like to announce my candidacy for mayor of Facebook.

   Just lost 15 pounds which subsequently is how much my hopes and dreams weighed.

   "Thank God we all have such insanely uninformed political opinions and tons of social media platforms on which to post them." -America

   Instead of Olympic Gold, Silver or Bronze medals, winners receive copies of a Purple Heart made in China. Losers are fired.

   I think I just caught Scott Stapp on Pokemon Go.

   Miss Teen USA Karlie Hay says using racial slurs online was a "careless mistake." And promises to only use them privately from now on.

   If you're not my friend, click like then copy and paste this on your timeline. If we're truly friends, do nothing. I'd never insult your intelligence with such a ridiculous command.

   The joys of a relationship include waiting for them to fall asleep so you can have some me time.

   If you can't make it down to Rio and want to get the authentic Olympic diving experience, just stick your head in a Porta Potty.

   Quick Question: How can I protect my family online without the gun emoji?

   Remember kids, with that Bachelors Degree you can run the fry machine, but with a Masters you can start as Assistant Manager.

   Just found a scary-looking Pokemon on my living room sofa, but then I realized it was my mother-in-law.

   Spoiler Alert!!! If you're reading this, you're a huge part of the problem.

   Bet those two guys that hang out at Sonic have breath that smells like pickles, onions, and genitals.

   It's not you, it's you not having air conditioning.....

   Did you know that women named Laverne can give you a blow job with or without teeth.

   Women that wear blue eyeshadow have a Motel 6 shower cap in their purse.

   It's not me !! It's you. Why would you not have WIFI? Modern day relationships.

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   Eminem is trending which is a relief because a whole generation of kids now know Eminem is still alive.