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The more you know, the less you need to say. 
Trying to be less negative but it'll never work.
When someone offers me constructive criticism, it's clear they've mistaken me for someone else.
Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it that often.
I thought 4 cups of coffee might make me feel less stabby but it just made me want to stab faster and more accurately
Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.
The more “normal” you try to be, the less interesting people like myself will find you.
Panties are just overpriced wrapping paper.
You know what's really great about being a narcissist? Me.
I'm not really a social drinker. I'd say most of my drinking is work related.
Stop obsessing about sex. Relax, and breathe slowly. Breathe in. Breathe out. In... and out... in and out... IN AND OUT! IN AND OUT! FASTER!
I have a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.
Wish me luck... I'm off to contest library fines, on the grounds that I'm an "exceedingly slow" reader.
I didnt win the mega millions. But if you did I LOVE YOU!
I sit for 5 minutes laughing at my own tweet.. Then read it to my wife who looks at me in confusion...
[ ] single. [ ] taken. [X] I get about as much attention as a white crayon."
Music is the best Time Machine.
How the hell do you look important walking around a clipboard factory?
When push comes to shove, when the going gets tough, when all hell breaks loose and the sh*t hits the fan, and when all else has failed, it is I who will recite old movie quotes while waiting for somebody to do something useful.
That one minute party you have when the teacher leaves the room 