Funny Status Messages

   I could never bring myself to kill....however, I do have a list of some pretty sweet hiding spots.

   walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... In Morse code

   Criticism is the best sign you're onto something.

   "I'm Tom Bodett of Motel 6, we'll leave the Lysol on for ya"

   There are only 3 steps to sleeping with alot of women. 1). Have your own place. 2). Have a bar in your place 3). HAVE NO STANDARDS

   If there is a window of opportunity ... why the hell does it knock? Shouldn't it be a door? No wonder so many people miss opportunities. They answer the door, not the window.

   Would if he could: Change his relationship status to "Pimpin'...and it's complicated"

   If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

   If Tylenol, Duct Tape & WD-40 can't fix it...you've got serious problems !!!

   I don't know what all the hype is about multitasking... I have tried it and it's isn't for me... It's just a fancy word meaning " you're screwing up several things at once".

   Nobody notices what I do, until I don't do it.

   When the outcome of what I strive for is consistently determined by things completely out of my control, my give-a-damn reacts accordingly. I'm just sayin'...

   gets loads of email adverts for Viagra. I asked the pharmacist, "Can I get it over the counter?" and was told, "You may need two tablets for that Sir."

   : When life hands you High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Fumarate, Yellow 5, Tocopherol and less that 2% Natural Flavors....then make lemonade!

   If this past life dictating the stuff that happens to you is true, I really think that the previous life should leave an apology note or something. "Sorry dude but during this life, I did a lot of sh!t that's going to bite you in the @ss. Heads up."

   I think we all have that look perfected that says, "I am paying attention and appear interested in what you are saying", when my brain is really thinking about stuff like pancakes, tv shows, and leaving work early.

   Camping out for video game releases is a fun way to prepare for your impending homelessness.

   When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

   First drink & people speak their mind, 2nd drink people speak their heart. 3rd drink & people speak from their ass

   ~I almost made the mistake of doing some cleaning tonight. Luckily I realized Hoarders is on; so there will be no cleaning AND no guilt