Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I would say "I hope your well", but that would be a lie

   I wish I was cool enough to post pictures of my food on Facebook

   Dont get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.

   Cant, made plans to have insomnia again tonight.

   Scooby Doo taught me that the only real monsters are humans.

   Sorry, I can't. It's Toyota's Summer Sale-A-Thon.

   Okay so plus size is in. That lets me out. I'm calculus size.

   After several years of sessions, my psychiatrist has determined that the true source of my crippling insecurities and desperate need for attention is the fact that the host of Romper Room never once said my name when she peered through the Magic Mirror.

   The Lord works in mysterious ways...like when he sent that alligator to drag the toddler off, right in front of his horrified parents. It's all part of His wonderful, divine plan! How mysterious.... Amen!

   Wolverine doesn't apologize nearly enough for a dude from Canada.

   Newt Gingrich is calling for a new House Committee on Un-American Activities. I thought that was just called Congress.

   I knew the honeymoon was over when she texted from the bathroom to bring her toilet paper.

   Dad Tip: Read fairytales backwards to your daughter. She'll think it's good to give up being a princess for a life of housecleaning.

   Symptoms of a Gluten allergy are depression, trouble breathing, rash and irritability which tells me my ex must have been a soft pretzel.

   If Bon Jovi's farewell album isn't called Bon Voyage then what's the point?!?!

   My wife asked me for a sonnet. Never knew she liked fancy hats.

   Under further investigation, we discovered that crime does indeed pay.

   Paul Ryan just listed his spine for sale on Craigslist.

   Inspirational Quote: Be the change you want to see in your car's ashtray.

   I'm still not convinced that the lunchroom employees working on the Death Star deserved their fate.