Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm self-deprecating but in an amaaaaaazing way.

   My superpower is to scrutinize my husband's driving decisions until he questions his will to live.

   My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.

   I parallel parked today without turning down the radio....

   Went to the Cincinnati Zoo the other day and have to say the baby sitting service was lousy. Well I guess if you pay peanuts you get monkeys.

   I called a phone sex line for married people. It was just a long uncomfortable silence till the operator said "make it quick."

   Why is the speed limit in a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

   Psychologists and Psychiatrists need their heads examined.

   .... The poor mother was only trying to give her son a chance at a better life ..... Then zookeepers shot his new adoptive parent.

   Hillary is outraged that Republicans have started shooting potential Democrat voters at zoos

   It's not stalking if you're documenting their life for a mixtape.

   My donations to the food driver are bittersweet. I give, but it's canned sliced beets and Beefaroni.

   When a man 'fine' he means the battle is over. When a woman says 'fine' she means she is fine with your impending death.

   I hear they are running a special on Harambe and noodles at the local Cincinnati China Dragon!

   When I die, I want a closed casket and "Pop goes the weasel" on repeat so people will wait in stunned horror for me to pop out.

   Panini is Italian for $14 grilled cheese.... #googletranslate

   Oh, And BTW.... If you throw a porcupine at a dart board, you get all the points...

   My autocorrect changed gluten-free to glutton-free, because my Droid has the special fat shaming software update.

   If our children don't learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

   Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now,church choir, for the love of God, get your crap together.