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........ Yup ...... I too was once a male trapped in a female body ...... But then my mother gave birth ...... 
I can't be the only person who's noticed that only flat animals cross the road.
Look for my new game show on the Food Network, where contestants try to figure out what I’ve spilled on my shirt.
It's never too early to get life size cardboard cuts-outs of yourself made up for this year's Christmas presents.
99 decorative pillows on the bed, 99 decorative pillows, Take 1 down put it on the ground, No that's not where decorative pillows go, you idiot!!!!
Memorial Day Shopping: Just put some Rainier Cherries on lay-away at Whole Foods.
Pro Tip: 63% of time spent being an adult over 40 is just waiting for a pill to kick in.
And all the girls say I'm pretty fly for a white guy. Alright, some of the girls. Fine, one of the girls. It's my mom. My mom says I'm fly.
The very best time to re-examine your life is after you’ve had too much to drink on Memorial Day long weekend.
If you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you'll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Current Relationship Status: My girlfriend takes more selfies with the cat than with me.
Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert.
Its super weird touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you're eating his popcorn.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
"DADDY NO!!! THE FLOOR IS LAVA!" ... *maintains eye contact.. *slides off couch onto floor.. *rolls around
President Kennedy put a man on the moon and President Obama put a man in the ladies bathroom.
Hey dude, Did you know your refrigerator running?... Yeah,, Because I don't like any of the current presidential candidates
You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?
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