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I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls. 
I've decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.
Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around calked Unused Sick Days. Apparently it's very contagious.
And in other news, Joe Biden claims that 150 million people have died from gun violence in the U.S. since 2007. I suppose that might explain the low unemployment numbers right now.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
My insomnia has narcolepsy...
learned something today: when a homeless man is blocking an entire stairwell, vigorously fiddling with his crotch, it is in everyone's best interest that he simply be left alone.
To the guy in the stall next to me who's "attempting" to sit down...what's with all the TP? Are you a germaphobe or are you trying to build a freaking NEST?!
the font smaller, or am I on acid??
Why do paper towel dispensers in public restrooms give you just enough to keep your hands slightly damp?
Look, if we get caught, just act like we don't speak English. Ok?
In a meeting: "Let me reiterate what was just said" can be translated to "I have nothing productive to add but I like the sound of my own voice and think I'm important so I think I need to waste 5 more minutes of all your days"
gets loads of email adverts for Viagra. I asked the pharmacist, "Can I get it over the counter?" and was told, "You may need two tablets for that Sir."
: When life hands you High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Fumarate, Yellow 5, Tocopherol and less that 2% Natural Flavors....then make lemonade!
Wants to find something else for my dryer to eat besides one of every sock.
ya ever notcie that the most comfortable one can be in bed is always one minute before you have to get up?
If you're starting a sentence with "not to sound like a b*tch," guess what you're going to sound like...
Just left the bar. Did you guys know you can leave while you're still able to walk?!
Watching the food channel when you're hungry is like watching porn. 