Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'd have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place with more laundry than my house is prison.

   Who are these strange creatures and why are they calling me 'Mom?'

   Good thing my mom's not on Facebook otherwise you would have to read some sappy Happy Mother's Day post from me.

   All Mom's gave birth to a child, except mine she gave birth to a legend!!! **High fives my Mom on Mother's Day**

   Ozzy should not have forgotten to tell Sharon Happy Mothers day

   To those with crappy moms, Happy ignoring your crappp mom day. It makes her miserable.

   Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

   Damned phone... I keep typing that "I need to get laid" and it keeps autocorrecting to "I need to get lard" and now people are sending me cans of Crisco. :(

   He died doing what he loved; shouting 'boo!' behind horses.

   Sorry I sexted you with Air Supply lyrics.

   My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

   It's hard to drink coffee while laying down in bed but I'm trying.

   I wanted to serve my wife breakfast in bed but she wouldn't cooperate. By the time I got her tied up so she couldn't get out I had to feed her myself. It got a bit messy, but happy mother's day anyway

   If Hillary gets elected, Bill will be the ugliest first lady ever.

   Nothing screams I need to get laid like screaming I need to get laid!

   Now accepting applications for: "PARTNER IN CRIME" Must be fluent in smart-@$$, sarcasm, and adult language. Questionable morals and nudity may be required.

   Due to the Economy, All dollar stores will be accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.

   Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do....

   I wonder what bathrooms Bill will use if he becomes first lady?

   Time to donate all of my Leisure Suits to the Salvation Army. I'm starting to think that fashion isn't coming back.