Funny Status Messages

   The worst one-liner was probably the Titanic.

   "Deeper," I moaned as the Chipotle guy scooped my sour cream.

   I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”

   Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.

   My Life Coach just explained to me that I've been in the placebo group.

   Like my wise old Granny always said, 'You want breakfast in bed, you best be sleeping in the kitchen."

   To be honest, I'm just not that into you, Monday.

   So I was at a bar last night and a waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR?" I said "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed. Well, everyone except this one guy….

   A relationship without trust is like a phone without service, and what do you do with a phone without service? You play Games!

   .... Told the wife that next long weekend I'm gonna actually get off the couch and take those Christmas lights down. Unless I see a spider then the whole things off.

   Dammit, I told you I'd be ready in FIVE minutes so stop calling me every half hour .... Sheeeeesh!

   That moment when you fart really loud then suddenly remember there is someone else in the elevator with you.

   My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"

   Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can't go to college.

   I'm Still not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.

   Well this isn't good,,, I took a nude selfie... And my phone autocorrect replaced it with an image of a silverback mountain gorilla pulling a peanut from its scrotum.

   [At the park].... STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking... ME: Yeah, he's interbred... DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread?

   DOCTOR: Your leg is broken... ME: So what happens now?.. Doc: We put in a cast & it'll recover naturally... HORSE: [sticks head round curtain]... WHAT?!!

   At my age,,, I'm not sure I'm up for learning a new microwave.

   ..... I used to think that somebody needed to give Obama a pink slip immediately ... Then I totally realized .... He already wears one!