Funny Status Messages

   My mom told me she had Five Guys for lunch today."

   Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...

   Recommended doses aren't the boss of me.

   Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.

   ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬...Oh the weather outside's delightful, the balance in my account is frightful, what happened to all my dough, I dunno, I dunno, I dunnnnoooooo...♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

   My New Year's resolution is to announce a bunch of grandiose plans & changes I want to make for the new year, but then seamlessly slide into the same destructive patterns that have kept me suppressed in a life of mediocrity for as long as I can remember.

   No one is being forced to read my posts, unfriend me or I'll block you at the slightest hint of dissatisfaction. I'm helpful like that

   At least once a year, we should all be allowed to go to Microsoft headquarters and reboot all of their PCs without giving them notice.

   I don't get "drunk" during the holidays I get "festive".

   It's sexy when a woman wears nothing but a long shirt to bed, it's sexier when she doesn't see you watching from the tree outside her window

   Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   Doing yoga has given me more respect for all the positions I've put women in.

   It's like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.

   Nothing saves money like being antisocial.

   It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.

   After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.

   be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool

   When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.

   I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.