Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don't know how the law of averages works, but you'd think after 25yrs of marriage I'd be right at least once??........bOb

   Now that the absurdity of voting for American Idol is now over, let's focus on the absurdity of voting for an American president.

   The longest relationship I've had is with an antidepressant. Perfect phrase to put on my eHarmony account.

   The only technique I've mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.

   Sorry your winter coat is getting more action than you are this spring.

   Opening day of baseball means only 120 more games until we need to start caring about baseball.

   I wish complaining about taxes was tax-deductable.

   Let's smoke enough pot so that we make even less sense than the meaning of 4/20.

   I'd donate to a GoFundMe page dedicated to stopping people from asking me to donate to their GoFundMe page.

   Taking your kids to work is a great way to combine the two most annoying things in your life.

   I'm glad I don't work for the Catholic church on Take Your Child To Work Day.

   Sorry you're an athiest and have no one to thank it's Friday.

   Interesting Fact: I only order meals in restaurants and fast food places solely based on what'll look best on Instagram since 2012.

   Sorry you live in a U.S. state that considers gay rights to be more harmful than tobacco.

   Men dressed as women to use a womens bathroom is not gay rights.

   I am disappointed that my malware program does not block Hillary images.

   ... Turns out Mr. Sanders ISN'T the guy that makes that fried chicken .... So I gues I'm gonna have to vote for that ugly guy that screams and wears those ugly pant suits ....

   My wife looked at me out in the yard and said "I didn’t know you could Moon Walk." I said "I can’t. I’m trying to get the dog poop off my shoes."

   Kidney stones, Hemorrhoids, Syphilis, or President...None I want to feel the Burn

   Pro tip: hold the scissors to the wifi cable to get your family to do what you want