Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.

   Yesterday I saw a donkey crossing the road... the funny thing, he looked both ways before he crossed. What a smart ass....

   My "Stop Being Poor" shirt almost ended up in the Goodwill pile.

   So I'm at the bank today, and the attractive female teller was flirting with me and stuff which was weird considering she could see my account balance.

   Just before the election this year, on Halloween, I'm going to dress up as Bernie, take kids' candy away after they've collected it, then redistribute it to kids who stayed home.

   I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   A recent study shows that most pit bull attacks occur between tying the bandana around its neck and placing the sunglasses on its face.

   Regular People: "Sorry I am late. Traffic was nuts" Moms: "Sorry I'm late. My daughter's sweater was too sweater-y and the baby ate a band aid."

   I just want America to be great again like when my dad used to pay my credit card bill.

   It's cute how any of you think you're in the tax bracket that will be affected.

   an Australian computer network called a LAN down under?

   Fuel savings tip: Drive downhill as much as possible. If you must drive uphill, take a different route that goes downhill instead.

   I'm starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum might be a commercial.

   Thursday: I either drink coffee or I say bad words to strangers. Just a typical Thursday.

   Dear auto correct, I really want to know what a "duck this shut" looks like.

   Splenda Daddy: A man who strives to be a Sugar Daddy but just doesn't have the funds to pull it off.

   The Harold and Kumar movies are probably the best Korean/Indian buddy movies ever made.

   I would like to wish all the atheists out there a very happy holiday! Have a fantastic April Fool's Day!

   There is nothing like waking up with a pedestrian stuck to your bumper

   Today is April Fool's Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. Just like any other day during this election year.