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I promise I didn't have sexual relations with Monika 
Nothing's says I'm guilty of every crime imaginable quite like using your blinker to pull into your driveway...
My neighbor OD'd on Viagra. His wife took it really hard
My safe word is "Will you marry me?"
Almost every hand you shake has touched a man's genitals. Think about that for a second.
Cuddling, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets an erection....
My goal for Easter weekend is to move just enough each day to make sure no one thinks I'm dead.
Pro Tip: Keep your friends close and your enemies in a ditch, because they deserve it.
"Could you guys just have your election now?" - The entire world to America
When things get me down, I always take a deep breath and go to my safe place....Taco Bell.
This April Fools I'm gonna talk a bunch of gibberish and act like I forgot about Dre.
To All My Ex's Out There, you can block my Facebook, you can delete my number but you can never unsuck my genitals. Have a good day!!!
Dr. Dre is a rapper, I always wondered what medical school he went to....
I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?"
Gray hair is the human body's equivalent of low toner.
Dear Super-Positive People: Calm down. Not everything is a blessing, a miracle, or a gift from God. Sometimes things just happen.
I have to be careful with my kids when I talk about the death of their father. It's a sensitive subject and I don't want them warning him.
Obama leans toward believing scientists before god. Any country acknowledging science before any god is a winner in my opinion.
Diet Dedication: When the chicken on your Subway salad kinda tastes like fish, but you eat it anyways because worse comes to worst, you'll just lose a few more pounds.
Nothing makes me feel miserable and helpless like someone sending me prayers instead of real assistance.
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