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Jiggling fat is a little more fun when you imagine a dubstep noise coming out of it. 
Spider-Man : Can I be in the Avengers now? ... Captain America : Ummmm, sure... Spider-Man : What can I do?... Iron Man : You OK with Web-design?...
I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it!!
I think I got a textually transmitted disease from unprotected Facebook poking!
If Republican candidates would stop calling them "Rallies" and start calling them "Job Fairs" they wouldn't have the problems like the liberals in Chicago started.... Just saying!
I always text "I'm on my way", as I'm still naked in bed.
I like my women, how I like my laptop, on my lap, turned on & virus free.
How To Drink A Perfect Martini: 1) Pour gin, vermouth, and olives into....the trash where they belong. 2) Drink whiskey.
Why Women Cry: 1) Sadness. 2) Happiness. 3) ??????.
If you line up all your ex's in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.
After 12 years of public education, I still don't know how mortgages and taxes work but hey at least I know about the cells inside a f*cking leaf. Thanks America for an excellent education.
Fun Fact: Prostitution exists among some animals too. They prostitute themselves for things like stones or food.
Minding my business and leaving yours alone.
Just realized that since Leia is technically a princess and Kylo Ren is her son and Star Wars is owned by Disney....Kylo Ren is literally a Disney prince.
Question -- Is blowing your HR rep considered to be an ethics violation?
If you apply yourself it's entirely possible to keep your opinion to yourself and just shut up and vote............
Has your credid card ever been frozen due to suspicious behaviour? "Let's go over your recent transaction history...it seems like you have been to a lot of bars lately." F*ck, don't judge my Monday nights....
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex Mix is not how I planned on starting my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents house playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool.
Tell me again why we have to Facebook stalk your therapist?
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