Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Like an old wise man once said, Be like a duck, calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath....

   The French think we Americans are fat. They may be right, but obviously our dental plans are better.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I am just a freelance quality control assurance man, for the beer industry...

   I went in for my weekly visit to my Psychologist. I told him that I sometimes feel like I'm a Cat. He wanted to know how long have I felt that way... I replied, "since I was a Kitten."

   borrowed my wife's razor, it had a sensitive strip. Now I can't stop crying!!

   If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he's not in?

   You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When Juan Valdez named his donkey after you

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.

   Romance tip: When you are lying in bed with your wife and she asks "What you would like to do with my body more than anything else?", "Identify it." is probably not a good answer.

   You know the economy is bad when even the wages of sin are frozen.

   "Be careful when you follow the Masses. Sometimes the 'M' is silent."

   [At the Border] Officer: “You American?”... Me: “Deep”... *Officer squints*... Me: “Fried”... *squints harder*... Me: “Guns”... "Welcome back, Sir."

   If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.

   Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain... Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]

   I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

   Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I'm spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.

   Selfie sticks are this generation's fanny packs...

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village.... Hi,, I'm Sarah McLachlan

   Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you could be eligible for compensation.... Please call Goldstein and Goldstein to see what your case may be worth.

   (Glass breaks) Her: I think someones breaking in! Me: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Her: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Me: Would you want to be touched with this?