Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The first rule of Low Self-Esteem Club is: I'm Running a test to see who really reads my wall... If you do , please leave one word response...

   Did you know that if you decapitate a Vegan the head can continue talking about being a Vegan for 8 minutes before it dies?

   Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

   America is so progressive that 8 years after electing their first black President, it's going to elect it's first orange one. I guess Netflix is right, Orange is the New Black.

   Women: So glad the weekend is finally here so I can wash the dishes, mop the floors, clean the toilets, dust the furniture and do the laundry! YAYNESS!!!

   Bernie Sanders got so excited about the hashtag #BoobsForBernie, it's actually a photo of a breastfeeding mother at one of his rallies. Not a Girls Gone Wild Spring Break edition video.

   Uber: Our drivers will use fake vomit to charge passengers for cleaning fees.

   Apparently it's against the law in Janesville, Wisconsin, to commit lewd acts in a Kwik Trip store. Please take note.

   Samsung Galaxy S7 is a water-resistant smart phone which features a 'Charging Warning" when wet. If you want a better way to electrocute yourself, there's always throwing a toaster in a bathtub option!

   Ted Cruz is being accused of Bad Lip reading on a Youtube channel, so let's see him battle it out on Lip Sync Battle.

   When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is yes or no. Not all this "Who are you, and how did you get in here?" nonsense.

   Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

   Apparently "just f*ck me up" is not a proper coffee order at Starbucks.

   My Hobbies: 1) Switching between the same three apps for hours. 2) Not speaking to anyone for days at a time. 3) Listening to the same songs I always have listened to for the last 20 years. 4) Imagining myself in situations that will literally never exist

   Kanye West should give his baby son back to hospital because he hasn't learned to say "Kanye" yet.

   First rule of Cuddle Club: It better lead to rough sex or you're out of the cuddle club.

   My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never get back to my original weight. After all, 6 lbs. 3 oz. is pretty unrealistic.

   No Romney, we haven't forgotten about what you did to all those businesses with Bain Capital or your "binders full of women."

   The greatest feeling in the world is when your girlfriend tells you, you're better in bed than her husband. . .