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Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole.... 
My new wife earned a thunderous round of applause at the reception when she described her wedding vows as "taking one for the team"
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me Today.. "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm not looking for a relationship right now."
"What kind of a sick freak would have a painting of a postman being sodomised by a donkey?"... "That's a Rorschach ink blot test.".... "Ummm, a what?"
If I were to illegally download a film in Jamaica, would I be a Pirate of the Caribbean?
My voting ballot is just an adult coloring book.
Get laser hair removal they said, the technician won't torch your grundle they said.
that a bottle of Prozac in your pocket or are you just sad to see me?
Last night I lost my mood ring....I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Dr. Ben Carson: no wins, 2nds, 3rds or even 4ths. Dr. Ben, maybe you should think about...Dr. Ben? Dr. BEN!! All right, I'll come back later.
If Hillary Clinton wins, I'm getting Rosetta Stone and sending El Chapo my resume.
I decided to nickname my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. That way I can tell everyone that the first thing I do when I wake up every morning is go to the Jim.
99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around...hang on...if there are 99, why can't I have my own?
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
Destiny was never given to us, we chose our own...
America, you might call this a presidential election, but the rest of the world is viewing it as your IQ test. And it's not looking good....
To win more votes, Rubio should be driving around in a pickup truck.
Paging Dr. Ben Carson? Dr. Ben Carson? Please come quickly as your campaign is on life support.
If Making a Murderer is a documentary, why was the second season confirmed?
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