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Me and my missus got ready to cuddle up and watch our home made porno. I got up and pressed play, but unfortunately It was finished before I sat back down. 
I see they have blocked the Internet in Egypt. No more online pyramid schemes then?
We were at the shopping centre and I caught my reflection in a shop window, I thought to myself "F-k me I've lost loads of weight!" The girlfriend hates that nickname, but I found her eventually.
Once Liverpool sell Fernando Torres they are going to put an offer in for Andy Murray - They've never seen someone hit the net so many times in 90 minutes.
How come when ur wife's pregnant all her female friends rub her tummy & say 'congratulations!' but nobody rubs your balls saying 'good job'?
If you start your day on a positive note, more than likely it will end in harmony..
When I want to show off my best curves, I smile.
suffering from the Hawaiian Disease....Laka Nooki
Hitler hated juice. Not Jews. Pronounciation causes mass homocides.
If 2012 does begin to happen we'll just have Kanye interrupt it.
I just cleaned out my Facebook friends list. Congratulations if you are reading this! I still like you!
Seismologists are nothing but a bunch of fault finders...
Mubarak is like one of those guys at the end of the party. However many hints you give him, he just won't leave.....
just read wikileaks next bombshell is that Captain Crunch was actually only rose to the rank of Ensign
Dear Governments, when people lose everything they have then they have nothing to lose.. thats how they LOSE IT!
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, “Man, did you see the size of that bug?”
Someone make an I-phone app that can tell me what my blood alcohol level is.
Support the economy, buy me a beer.
What's the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
Why don't Polish people kill frogs? Because it's their national bird.
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