Funny Status Messages

   Ladies you don't sing better in the shower. It still sounds like sh*t, but you're naked so we tolerate it.

   Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

   During this very personal moment in thier lives, Kim and Kanye ask that you honor their request for extra publicity...

   "Its not you,, Its me."--- Twins going through a photo album

   Kanye West 'hospitalised in Los Angeles'. Our thoughts and prayers go out at this difficult time to the hospital staff.

   Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they're either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

   If I post something that you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore the corruption of the government.

   Driving to work would be so much better if I didn't always end up at work.

   The only thing I hate more than people who make fun of other people is people who don't laugh when I do it.

   You post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.

   Remembering how easy life was in kindergarten. As long as you had the biggest box of crayons and the coolest lunch box you ruled the school......

   Me, walking: "Pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way!" Me, driving: "LOOK OUT FOR CARS, freakin idiots."

   I don't care how bad I have to go, I will hold it until I'm clocked back in after lunch. If I have to be here, you WILL pay me to use the bathroom.

   A handful of Nigerian scam artists are wrecking it for all the honest Nigerians who want to wire money to us.

   planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday. Maybe I should be a politician..

   you know you're getting older when your back goes out more than you do

   I prefer the button fly. That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth.

   I don't know about you but putting the Kardashian's on a credit card to promote financial responsability makes as much sense as getting a nun to be a spokes woman for a condom company.

   Women never hate men enough to give us our diamonds back.

   just kicked out of the local paintball fight and the police were called.....Apparently knifing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.