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Babies: Their plan is to start crying at 3 am for no reason. 
Dogs: I had sex with your pillow all night.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Balloons are so weird...."Happy Birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."
Shout out to all the older siblings....who were used as the tester kids and now watch their younger siblings get away with stuff that they would have been killed for.
What type of tea do babies drink? Tit tea.
Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
If pigs could vote they'd always vote for the guy who brings the food, even though he's the same one who will slaughter and eat them later.
I took four of my liberal friends to see the movie 13 Hours. And just to get the point across, I left them there.
The last four letters in "American" are "I can." The last four letters in "Republican" are "I can." The last four letters in "Democrats" are "rats."
Reasons I check my voicemail... 1% to hear the message... 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Times co-worker has mentioned she's a vegan today: 6. Times I've asked: 0.
I wonder what hamsters would type on a keyboard: Free me from this prison that is my life.
What?!?! When you miss someone's call but you call them back in 0.44735624 seconds and they don't answer.
Pornhub should promise to plant a tree for every 100 videos watched....
Even God thinks Kanye West is an a$$hole.
Friend, Best Friend, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Garlic Bread -- Only garlic bread has no "END". Garlic Bread will always stay by your side.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic.
"I watched the Grammys this week just to see Pitbull perform." --Said no one ever
You're not a model....you are just a white girl taking selfies in the mirror.
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