Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If we had to pay for internet ink. Facebook wouldn't exist.

   Some humans believe that escalators have special powers that suck all moving abilities from their legs as soon as their feet touch one.

   The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works 24 hours a day and 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love.

   Well, I learned this week that ya don't buy your Parmesan at the Dollar Tree.

   Dear Girl Scouts, Your Mints did not make me Thin...... P.S.... Please send more.

   IF YOU'VE HAD CATS,,,,,,, THE SINGLES VIRUS MAY ALREADY BE INSIDE YOU.

   INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em... 2) Know when to fold em... 3) Know when to walk away... 4) Know when to run.

   This stop sign has been red for half an hour.... I'm about to just go

   Animal Kingdom Fact: Cheetos are fastest land munchie

   What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common? They can smell it, but they can't eat it.

   I came out as a lesbian to my best friend a few years ago, this weekend I'm taking her last name because I am marrying her sister. Screw my homophobic ex "BFF".

   Has anyone else noticed that the sign "&" looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?

   Don't forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that don't work as hard as you.

   All these 9 year olds with their iPhones, iPads, and laptops....when I was 9, I felt cool with new markers.

   I think a man with a helmet defending his country should make more money than a man with a helmet defending a football.

   Dear women, he does not want a watch for his Birthday. He wants you to dress like a hooker, handcuff him to a chair and have the kind of sex with him that would definitely upset churchgoing people.

   After watching TV with my kids, I think I have figured out what's wrong with this generation....their cartoons suck.

   I feel a spree coming on. It's either shopping or killing, I haven't decided yet.

   There should be one day out of the year where people working retail can say what they want without getting into trouble.

   The only exercise I have done this month is running out of money.