Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Bruce Lee doesn't drink water....he drinks wataaaa

   Date advice to women from a guy: Laughing makes you 100 times more attractive than makeup.

   I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it "Cinnamon".

   Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.

   I'd like to feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the tv during class

   You say I'm losing myself to alcohol like it's a bad thing.

   "Never let grass grow under your feet", not said by the first guy who went into the sod business.

   Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."

   My exercise regimen is basically just my heart rate elevating at an alarming level when I realize I'm out of beer.

   When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.

   10 year olds these days running around with their iPhones... When I was 10, I was listening to Aqua on my Walkman while struggling to keep my 2 tamagotchis alive. The struggle was so real!

   My favorite things about kids is that I'm not responsible for any of them.

   Scream "I am worthy" until the stars collapse upon your brilliance.

   The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my Birthday, very nice. But misunderstood, when I said, "I wanna watch".

   Don't worry Paul McCartney, I have been refused entry into night clubs too.

   So Clinton is barking like a dog now... how appropriate

   So Hillary Clinton is now seen on national TV barking like a dog. I suggest that she may be preparing for "The dog ate my emails" defense.

   Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

   The letter "S" in PMS stands for Satan... I'm pretty sure of this.

   My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but believe my days around here are numbered...