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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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I'd rather have Samuel L. Jackson narrate my life. No offense, Morgan Freeman...my life just requires multiple uses of the word motherf*cker.
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02-10-2016 00:13
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List of things I am good at: 1. Petting dogs.....ya ummmm petting dogs.....
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02-10-2016 00:16
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Firtst World Problems in 2016: I want to start my meal, but can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat.
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02-10-2016 00:18
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Google: You must be truly desperate to come to me for help.
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02-10-2016 00:19
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I can't wait to get to the part of my life where wearing suspenders with sweat pants is completely ok.
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02-10-2016 00:22
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Ever accidently throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? Haha. I did this with my life.
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02-10-2016 00:24
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Moms: I used to be cool and do cool things. Now I just argue with a smaller version of myself about how to use the toilet.
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02-10-2016 04:24
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My husband told me to pick up some oil, now I know how guys feel in the tampon aisle.
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02-10-2016 04:27
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I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I'm always ready for bed.
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02-10-2016 04:33
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A curling iron is not effective at turning regular fries into curly fries. I know that now.
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02-10-2016 06:45 by
huck
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Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 200 years.
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02-10-2016 08:40
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Siri, how many calories does digging your own grave burn?
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02-10-2016 11:48
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Causing a scene runs in my family.
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02-10-2016 11:49
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Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
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02-10-2016 14:31
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Diarrhea is a trait in my family. It runs in our genes.
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02-10-2016 14:34
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I don't want an Amazon Echo because I don't need another thing in my house that talks back to me...
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02-10-2016 14:36 by
eengrms
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Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
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02-10-2016 14:55
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F*ck Valentines Day -- Who's ready for Deadpool, Zoolander 2, and The Walking Dead?
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02-10-2016 14:58
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Flawsome: (adj.) an individual who embraces their "flaws" and knows they're awesome regardless.
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02-10-2016 15:05
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I hate band names that are commands: Foster The People, Panic At The Disco, Imagine Dragons, and Walk The Moon. Don't f*ckin tell me what to do!!!
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02-10-2016 15:12
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