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My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo. 
I went to the chemist and said, "I'd like some deodorant please." The woman said, "Is it the ball deodorant you want?" I said, "No, underarm."
I've just had a tattoo done on my arse which says, "If you're reading this, we're in prison."
I always thought visiting Egypt would be fun. Now I hear it's a RIOT!!
Black History Month reminded me that Peanut Butter was invented by a black guy...I Assume "Chunky" was in reference to his White Girlfriend...
The wife is playing Wii table tennis and screaming at the TV. The kids are hiding in their room. LMAO!
Dear Protesting Egyptians: Please do not destroy the pyramids. We will not rebuild. Sincerely, the Jews
No I do not want to see who deleted you from facebook in 2010.. And if you keep it up, I'm going to be first on the list for 2011..
already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Super Bowl Weekend!! Should I wear my shot glasses or beer goggles??
Okay........So on a scale from one to Courtney Love how drunk are you right now????
When those 3 phonecalls a day turn into a couple of text messages a week #DownHillRelationship
#DontTextandDrive cause your "LOL" can turn into an "R.I.P"
When karma comes back to punch you in the face, I wanna be there......just in case it needs help
thinking green so I'm gonna save some electricity and unplug my refrigerator then leave its contents outside
wondering why so many people spend money they don't have to buy stuff they don't need to impress people they don't like !
'Valentines day is soo over hyped...'-Every single person...:P
why only VALENTINES DAY for the 1 you love the most..why it can't be 24/7, 365 days a year !!
I am most like a mushroom. I am a fungi!
Can't we all just get abong?
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