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Relationship status: Looking for a good woman to stand up to my mom for me. 
Opening a yoga studio just for dogs called NamaSit&Stay.... *Self,,,,Prepare to be rich
Success is 1% inspiration 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
It's almost Valentines Day and I still don't know what to get myself yet.
My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.
Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.
I came home from the gym this morning staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit … And all I did was sign up.
Congrats again to Peyton Manning. I just hope it doesn't go to his forehead.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Looks like Hillary got Berned in New Hampshire.
It was the home of Buffalo Bill in "The Silence Of The Lambs." Now, nobody wants to live there. Heck, I wonder why....
I'm always weirdly proud when my pee is clear. Like, hell ya, I'm so damn hydrated.
Women won't date a guy that still lives with his Mom, but will date a guy thats still lives with his wife = But that's none of my business.
I'm not saying kill all stupid people. I'm saying remove all warning labels from everything. The problem should sort itself out.
There has never been a saying more true in my life: You are not a third wheel! You are a majestic unicycle and they are your noble training wheels.
I was like, "Whoa, taco-flavored yogurt"....
1944: 18-year-olds storm beaches, jump from planes, charge into almost certain death. 2016: 18-year-olds need a safe place. Because words do hurt.
Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon.
Fact: Historical pictures will look better with light sabers.
I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank has ever used this phrase, "Thanks for coming"....
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