Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon *gets pulled over... COP: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"... [I've swapped places with the dog]... ME: "Jake, answer the man"
←Rate | 12-01-2015 19:28 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon My daughter's school was closed for fog??... Hey,, Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & my principal would be like... "Ummm,, 2-hour delay"
←Rate | 12-01-2015 19:35 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon The dream if free. The hustle is sold separately.
←Rate | 12-01-2015 23:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can only assume the next 4 weeks are incredibly difficult for people who's grandmother's were actually run over by reindeer. ..
←Rate | 12-02-2015 06:56 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon They called it boxing because fisting was already taken.
←Rate | 12-02-2015 12:03 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Liver: This month is gonna be tough. hang in there and stay strong buddy.
←Rate | 12-02-2015 13:59 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon [At the zoo] Llama spits in my face,, I spit in llamas face,, Llama slaps me,, I grab llamas hair,, Scuffle ensues,, Llamas girlfriend shouts "leave it Gary!"
←Rate | 12-02-2015 14:34 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fact: an Owl's head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
←Rate | 12-02-2015 14:51 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did you know,, the 'ueue' in 'queue' is silent?
←Rate | 12-02-2015 14:53 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon *Poops without drinking coffee first*.... it's a FESTIVUS miracle
←Rate | 12-02-2015 14:55 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon *looks at calendar*.. *looks at stomach*. *looks at calendar*.. Guess I'm telling people I'm pregnant again this Christmas.
←Rate | 12-02-2015 15:11 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I tell you,The high cost of living ain't nothing like the cost of living high !
←Rate | 12-02-2015 22:13 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”
←Rate | 12-02-2015 23:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My condolences to you and your family who's grandmother was actually ran over by a reindeer....I understand your grief, and the pain from the yearly reminder from the inconsiderate song....
←Rate | 12-03-2015 00:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If someone invites you to their immaculate, tidy home and says "sorry about the mess", run. They have killed before and they will kill again
←Rate | 12-03-2015 02:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think that a few Latin words over your pancakes is going to turn them into the body of Elvis Presley, you have lost your mind. But if you think more or less the same thing about a cracker and the body of Jesus, you are just a Catholic
←Rate | 12-03-2015 07:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
←Rate | 12-03-2015 08:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Unsubscribing to emails requires three or more clicks,, So I'm just going to keep deleting them for the rest of my life.
←Rate | 12-03-2015 08:20 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon PRO TIP: Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong into a harp.
←Rate | 12-03-2015 08:27 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Q: How do you know your house was robbed by a black guy? A: When your house is robbed
←Rate | 12-03-2015 08:45 by @RichieUnlimited Comments (0)  

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