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If I drank decaf coffee I'd be one of those girls that doesn't swallow, too. 
Bought a cruise missile today and now I’m waiting for my neighbor to walk his dog in my yard.
You've been in a good mood three days in a row? Teach me this sorcery.
If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?
In 15 years' time a girl with a Brazilian won't mean a neatly trimmed vag, it'll be a head shaped like a rugby ball.
Bernie Sanders Drinking Game: Every time Bernie mentions a free government program you drink someone else's beer.
Nobody remembers who came in second. Bernie who.....?
Good to see Brian Williams back on TV all these years after he pulled me from the rubble on 9/11.
DETECTIVE: I've called you here because I suspect one of you... IS AN OWL !!! ME: Who?? *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head just turned 270°
ME: Hi Mom,,, Please come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time, you're not at a sleepover... You're married.
[restaurant] *chef slams block of cheese down on plate... Me: But… Chef: Look, This is the best cheese in the world. It doesn't get any grater
Thank you Facebook for the friends day video I just deleted 99% of my Facebook "so called friends"
I want a girl that likes long romantic walks. Because I don't have a car.
Okay, I'm just going to admit it. I'm kinda disappointed this "Friends Day" video that everyone is posting has absolutely nothing to do with Jennifer Aniston. #mycelebritycrush
Hillary Clinton naked. Oops. This isn't Google.
Old man Bernie Sanders looks like that guy down the block driving around luring kids in with promises of free candy...
YEAR IN REVIEW: January February March April May June July August September October November December...... *nice we did it, congrats folks
Do people who have wind chimes know that not having wind chimes is also an option
If you get an email titled "Nude Pictures of Sarah Palin" do not open it. It is a virus. If you get an email titled "Nude Pictures of Hillary Clinton" do not open it. It is nude pictures of Hillary Clinton.
Sad to say all your friends "Friends Day" videos are now in the 99 cent bin at Walmart.
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