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I'm either going to go broke today, or save a lot of money...#CyberMondayProblems 
always a man drinking a Crush on a Monday.....never a man crush Monday
If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your mom 3 glasses of wine.
disappointed what had happened on Black Friday! Fully condemned the action
Come on people! It's 2015...you should know by now how to NOT use the 'Reply to All' in an email.
This coat I’m wearing is a present from my wife; I came home early one night and there it was, hanging over a chair.
For my sister’s 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
"Is that your dog?".... "No, actually she's adopted... We were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"
To any American who wants a better life, leave the country, denounce your US citizenship and come back as an illegal immigrant. . .
"Mirror, mirror; on the floor.... Who's got the biggest hemorrhoids of them all?"
Welcome to Disproportionate Body Parts Club.... If there's any suggestions, I'm all ears.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
The proper response to "Good Morning" is "Yeah? Prove it!"
When I was a kid I was afraid of the dark. Now when I see my electric bill I'm afraid of the lights.
Anti-psychotics, but for religious fanatics.
In 2015, if you're dreaming of a white Christmas, you're a racist.
you know your not much of a Christmas shopper anymore, when your still using some of the same wrapping paper you had 3 years ago . 🎁 🎁🎁 🎁
welcome to HIdDen mEssages club. please help yourself To tHE snacks By the dOor and we’ll get starteD shortlY.
What valuable lesson did you learn from the chubby white B-list comedian on the stool?